XYateZ

I said "Lie on the bed 'playing' but do bicycle kicks and hit your own face with it." At first he couldn't manage it so I told him to keep on trying until he perhaps could – the whole night if necessary. "Keep doing it," I said. Eventually, he managed to do it.

"We'll call this the 'Wall Dance'," I said (it's against the wall and he'll be doing it again).

He's not my husband by the way. He's not even my boyfriend, although he perhaps thinks he is. He just insists on staying in my house, so I thought he may as well earn his keep by providing me with free entertainment. Which is good because he seems to be willing to do almost anything. This is one. I've got a great long list of things he'll have to perform for me.

I've told him never to try touching me ever, or he's gone. He perhaps thinks I don't mean it and he's living in hope, but I really do mean it. My strategy is to make him do increasingly ridiculous things until he gets the message. I hope this doesn't just spur him on, thinking I need it more than he does. Somehow I will have to get it across to him that for me, this is about entertainment only and if I have to, I can manage without it.

That said, however, the entertainment is good. It's about to get better as well.